I woke up today thinking about a defining moment in my life.
I was sitting in a cafe with an old friend I hadn't seen for a couple of years. I was 28 and I had just returned to Australia after 5 years in London.
I was trying to explain to her the awakening experience that I had in London and the only way I could describe it was to say; it was like walking 100 yards and getting back into your body and zipping the back up and here I am in my body and these hands that I am moving are my hands and these eyes that I am looking out of, are my eyes. I moved my hands around in a flowing motion and I remember saying it’s as if this motion is the entire meaning of life, that every act of motion has within it the essence of all existence.
When I look back I have to laugh because I’m sure my friend must of thought I had lost my mind and in a sense that would be true. What I had realised was that the source of all meaning was in the mind. Without our minds there is no meaning and when we let go of our minds as the primary perception of reality we return back to our bodies and more importantly back to the essence of who we really are.
This is my body, this is my mind, these are my eyes I am looking through right now and these are my hands I see before me, but who is it that is thinking that? Who is it that calls these things my body, my mind, my thoughts, my beliefs, my emotions, my partner, my home, my work, my title? Who is my?
My friend was very ambitious and was doing very well for herself. A part of me was still wondering why I was, by society standards, a failure; Homeless, jobless, with no direction or drive. I asked my friend why they felt I struggled with life, what it was that I lacked that would make the difference? I had this deep realisation of myself and yet I didn't fully accept what I had discovered because a part of me wouldn't let me believe it. The part of me that had sent me on the seekers journey couldn't believe that I had found what I was looking for. Surely that can’t be it? Surely there is something more, something deeper something more profound. It couldn't be that simple could it? I remember laughing with tears of joy rolling down my face when I realised that all that time, all those years of pain and struggle and questioning, what I had been looking for was me.
Me? Which ‘me’ am I talking about here? I have quite a few me’s? So which one is the right one?
I really wasn't ready to let go of me. I had poured so much into me how could I just let me go. All that time, all that energy, all that work and deep inquiry, all that knowledge and information and points of view I had accumulated, and all those emotions and feelings I had experienced, there’s gold in there!! I couldn't just let it go. Could I?
20 years later after many annoyed and frustrating attempts to let go of me here I am, me still intact. I fully accept me. I fully accept that wherever I am, me is going to be there too. Sure I’m not the ‘me’ I thought I was going to be when I was a younger me. I never quite became the Rock-star 'me' that everyone (mainly me) thought I would be, and the Spiritual Guru ‘me’ that I got fascinated with for a while.
When I asked my friend, what it was that I lacked that would make the difference? My friends answer was “I don’t know, I guess its confidence”. I thought that was a pretty good answer. What I wished I’d asked was....to do what? To be what?
You know what the answer would have been right?