Seeing the Illusion
It started when I was 8. This feeling that I couldn’t quite describe. This feeling that something was wrong, something wasn’t quite right. “Why is everyone pretending to be something that they are not?” was the question I kept asking myself. What made it even more confusing was that on a ‘good’ day, when the sun was shining and I was happy, it seemed like what was wrong was over there with others and when it wasn’t a ‘good’ day. It was me, there was something wrong with me. As a young man, I knew there was something I wasn’t facing. I knew there was something I wasn’t willing to look at and understand and it was right in front of my eyes, so close, so intimate, so influential, that I just couldn’t see it. And then I asked myself why can’t I see it? Why can I feel it, but I just can’t see it? “I was staring at something that was staring at me, what the hell could it be?” I captured these words in a song I wrote, titled ‘I was dreaming’, in the middle nineties. I had a band; I was living in London chasing the illusive record contract. Yet still I hadn’t been able to make it out clearly, I was still struggling to understand what was keeping me vague… uncertain… doubtful and wrong. The fear started to creep in, which led to nervousness, then anxiety, then despair and suicidal fantasies, which I knew I wasn’t going to play out, so I stopped and settled into resignation. I resigned to the belief that I will never figure this out, I will never know what plagues me, what keeps me in this space, what haunts me in the background, no matter how well I do, no matter how good I feel, no matter how many wonderful people, places, and experiences I have, the pleasure to enjoy, I can’t escape it. It’s always there waiting for me. Facing The Dragon I’ve heard depression being described as the Black Dog, but I believe depression is just one of the emotions we feel when we face the black dog yet again. We are reminded it’s still there waiting for us. How depressing! So, what is the black dog from this perspective? It’s not a black dog really, is it? It’s just disguised as one. It comes in many disguises. Mine was no sullen black dog, mine was a dragon, fierce, intimidating, demonic, overwhelming. It scared the hell out of me. It knew me inside and out, it knew my every weakness, my every insecurity, doubt, concern, inadequacy. It knew how to play me for the fool I was. A child, naïve, uncertain, weak, defenceless, powerless, pretending to be confident and self assured. It only had to say one word (it knew the perfect word to say) and I would spiral into anxiety, then despair and anguish. The Turning Point (the aha moment) I decided I need to have courage, to be brave, after all it couldn’t destroy me, could it? If it could, it would have done it already, right? This questioning led me to realise something really pertinent, every time it tried to influence me and put me in danger something always saved me from it. Something came to my rescue, and I started to feel this sense of being divinely supported (you know, like angels were looking after me) and that changed my perspective, that gave me the courage to stand up to it. I tried to face it, I did my best, I tried to challenge it, but it was far smarter than I was. It had one edge over me that I just couldn’t understand, that I wasn’t willing to acknowledge and face. No, that can’t be it, can it? That can’t be true, that can’t be right. All my education and scientific mind balked at what my senses were telling me... what I could feel was true…that I came to the point of calmly accepting... This is not me. This is something else. That was the turning point. That was when I started to gain leverage and freedom from ‘it’. When I faced ‘it’, for what 'it' really is, everything started to change. For the first time in my life, I had the newfound freedom to step out of trying to control’ and gain back my command. But this thing is so sneaky, so subtle in it’s influences, that I needed to develop razor like awareness and a foundational sense of the ‘pure being’, to know when you are influenced, intoxicated, led astray, hijacked, and ultimately sabotaged. To do this I needed a high level of sensory perception. Where would I learn to develop this sensory perception? Especially in a world that strongly teaches and values mainly intellectual perception and analytical thought. I've Been In Training My Whole Life (and so have you!) I realised I had been learning to develop my sensory perception my whole life, I had always been in training. That’s when it dawned on me that it was my life mission to teach these skills to as many people as possible. To wake people up to what their true power was. Power with Love that is. Easier said than done! In the early days people just looked at me blankly and their version of ‘it’, would laugh at my inadequacy to articulate myself, to make sense for them of my experience. That’s when I realised this isn’t something that can just be described, this is something that needs to be experienced. Like a strawberry, how can you describe the taste? So, with the help of my amazing partner Tracy (Tia) Marcuzzi, we created a group course and a 1-1 program (Mastering Your Self) that took people through a journey of waking up to themselves and facing their illusions, to come to the subtle places where ‘it’ lurks. The Real Game Of Life There's nothing I love more than watching my participants faces light up as they realise who they really are and see deeply into the life they have been living, the illusions they have been buying into and be absolutely delighted with what they discover about themselves. My Job, my honour and the reason why I exist, is to help people wake up to themselves on a whole new level (there are many levels) navigate and support them through new expansive territory, and acquire the unique skills and abilities to feel, know and live, their own truth. When they know how to access their truth, they know their own way. Then they get the real game of life. "When I follow my own way, I create deep satisfaction and fulfilment, that I was yearning for, and was deeply missing from my life." With love, Ian Nesbitt
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AuthorIan Nesbitt and Tracy Marcuzzi Archives
June 2023
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